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Hoping for a growth spurt

SO….for the first time in about a decade, I went to a ladies Bible study Friday. The subject matter, of all things, is contentment and peace. The book we’re studying is Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow and I’m sure it’s just a coincidence the ladies started a study on a subject I happen to be struggling with at the moment.  Actually, I felt compelled to join because of the subject matter AND because of the lovely ladies participating. I confess I have not been in the Word nor have I been praying through my struggles. I’ve been “avoiding.”

I was given a book A LONG time ago called Always Daddy’s Girl by a counselor who observed habits I had developed during my upbringing in relation to my father. The book addresses how a girl’s relationship with her earthly father has a profound effect on her relationship with pretty much everybody but especially her heavenly Father. SO,  I have this flaky thing I do – when I know I’m not “living up” to my Father’s expectations, I “avoid” Him.  Yea, I know, AS IF one could really avoid God.  And, yes, we are to put childish ways behind is but it’s always beneficial to realize the weird things we do and why we do them.  When I was growing up, if I knew I was doing something that would earn my father’s displeasure, I would, of course avoid him. Because my father was volatile and unpredictably angered, I avoided him a lot. So, the more I’m afraid of displeasing God, the more I avoid Him, the further away from I pull and “hide” (laughable), the more I struggle with my bents toward sin, the more displeasing I am, the more I avoid…you get the idea.

Something else I’ve observed in myself and others, the more disappointed  I am with myself, the more discontent I become with my circumstances and those around me. Dang! Will I ever learn?

So I opened up this book and on the first page I read, “What we are on the inside, what we continually think about, eventually shows in our words, actions, and even on our countenances.” O-U-C-H.  Yea, we all know this but sometimes we need smacked in the face with the reminder. We all try to do this wife & mom thing in our own strength but our families see right through it.  Their reactions to our behavior speak volumes.  We tell ourselves, “but I’m trying so hard.” Oh, pooh, who are we kidding? I CANNOT be who God wants me to be in my own strength. Duh. So why do I try?  I’ve spent A LOT of energy of worrying about our business, money, struggles, you name it. That draws me closer to God how? Losing sleep just makes me…tired.  SO, I’m praying that I wise up and learn from these sisters in Christ and learn from the book that which will draw me closer to God, to my family and friends, to contentment and closer to His likeness.

What’s not shared is lost,