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Hoping for a growth spurt
SO….for the first time in about a decade, I went to a ladies Bible study Friday. The subject matter, of all things, is contentment and peace. The book we’re studying is Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow
and I’m sure it’s just a coincidence the ladies started a study on a subject I happen to be struggling with at the moment. Actually, I felt compelled to join because of the subject matter AND because of the lovely ladies participating. I confess I have not been in the Word nor have I been praying through my struggles. I’ve been “avoiding.”
I was given a book A LONG time ago called Always Daddy’s Girl by a counselor who observed habits I had developed during my upbringing in relation to my father. The book addresses how a girl’s relationship with her earthly father has a profound effect on her relationship with pretty much everybody but especially her heavenly Father. SO, I have this flaky thing I do – when I know I’m not “living up” to my Father’s expectations, I “avoid” Him. Yea, I know, AS IF one could really avoid God. And, yes, we are to put childish ways behind is but it’s always beneficial to realize the weird things we do and why we do them. When I was growing up, if I knew I was doing something that would earn my father’s displeasure, I would, of course avoid him. Because my father was volatile and unpredictably angered, I avoided him a lot. So, the more I’m afraid of displeasing God, the more I avoid Him, the further away from I pull and “hide” (laughable), the more I struggle with my bents toward sin, the more displeasing I am, the more I avoid…you get the idea.
Something else I’ve observed in myself and others, the more disappointed I am with myself, the more discontent I become with my circumstances and those around me. Dang! Will I ever learn?
So I opened up this book and on the first page I read, “What we are on the inside, what we continually think about, eventually shows in our words, actions, and even on our countenances.” O-U-C-H. Yea, we all know this but sometimes we need smacked in the face with the reminder. We all try to do this wife & mom thing in our own strength but our families see right through it. Their reactions to our behavior speak volumes. We tell ourselves, “but I’m trying so hard.” Oh, pooh, who are we kidding? I CANNOT be who God wants me to be in my own strength. Duh. So why do I try? I’ve spent A LOT of energy of worrying about our business, money, struggles, you name it. That draws me closer to God how? Losing sleep just makes me…tired. SO, I’m praying that I wise up and learn from these sisters in Christ and learn from the book that which will draw me closer to God, to my family and friends, to contentment and closer to His likeness.
What’s not shared is lost,
Michelle
Angels Watching Out for Me
We left the chiropractor at about 3:10 and our 15-passenger “Big Blue” was at capacity – most everyone had had appointments today so we had to take the whole crew. Heading west on I-70, we noticed a bunch of rubber-neckers pass us on the left which we are completely accustomed to. Folks tend to try to count the heads bouncing around in our van whenever we are out and about. Now, in hindsight, we realize they were probably freaking out over the sparks that must have been flying out from under the van. Little did we know. They waved at us as they passed then changed to the right lane in front of us and wave at us again. I asked my olders, “Who do we know that drives a vehicle like that?” No one knew so I said, “Well, I guess that means we need to catch up and see who’s waving at us!” So I gradually gained on said vehicle and as I did, we realized we were looking at Colorado plates. Hmmm. I quickly figured they knew something that we didn’t because odds were…we didn’t know these folks. (Either that or guys flirting with my girls – wouldn’t be the first time). It’s at this point of the story you need to pay attention to the fact that I’m driving a really big vehicle at about 70 MPH and changing lanes. I CHANGED LANES and came up to the “wavers” and told Lenae, who was in the passenger seat, to roll down her window. As I drove up, we could see this blonde, snowboard-type dude with dreadlocks lowering his shades as he looked in his side mirror at us. Definitely did not know him. We pulled up beside him and he rolled down his window and yelled that we had something dragging from our axel while pointing toward the front! We yelled thanks, gave him thumbs up, slowed down enough to CHANGE LANES again and pull into the right lane behind him. Then, I immediately PULLED OVER to the shoulder and came to a SMOOTH, GRADUAL stop. I had not felt any thumps or bangs. We had only experienced the usual turbulence that comes from driving a Big Bertha vehicle.
Lenae got out first to look under the front of the van while I waited for a break in the traffic. We saw her jaw drop and she came back to her door to announce, “THAT can’t be good.” I finally got out, went around front, looked under, my jaw dropped and Lenae and I discussed how THAT looked like a REALLY important part. Ben joined us, got down on the ground to look then informed us that it definitely looked like something necessary for steering. We decided we were hot enough and climbed back into the A/C. I called Craig to let him know our predicament then AAA. Triple A said they would contact the towing company but could not provide transportation for the 11 kiddos so I had to take care of that. Turned out our “big van” friends were out of town but my mom came to the rescue. Craig called me back to let me know that he had left work and was heading home to get the minivan to come help out. I figured the plan would be for my mom to take the kids in 2 trips to the gas station/Subway at the next exit then Craig could meet up with them there to get everybody home. Craig improved the plan a bit by coming to switch with me so he would be the one to ride in the tow truck to the auto repair and I would hook up with everybody at Subway. Well, before anyone arrived, our air conditioning was quickly turning to simply warm air blowing in and I prayed my children would not dehydrate before help arrived. I could see the next exit from where I sat but didn’t want to chance walking with that many little ones in that heat! Turns out it was around 101° today. BUT, my mom showed up with her minivan and hauled the kids to the Subway in 2 trips. I then found myself thinking I probably should have kept Ben or one of the older girls with me as I was now on the side of the highway by myself. No sooner had that realization popped in my head then a state trooper pulled up and basically kept me company until the tow truck arrived. That is, after I told him our car problems and he thought I meant we were just dragging something we had picked up on the road. He looked under, shock hit his face and he asked I had had trouble steering. I said, “No,” and he was surprised again. He said we should have. He asked about our kids after finding out how many had just shipped off, asked me if we had twins. I told him that was cheating then he told me he had TWO SETS of twins! LOL! I told him he cheated. SO, we talked about chaos management through child training, etc.
So, after God sent this friendly security, the tow truck arrived with a very friendly gent who took one look at the van and said, “Wow! How did you manage to get it off the road? Is everybody okay? Your axel tie rod is broken!” (I think that’s what it’s called – the rod that attaches to the steering shaft and steers the front left wheel). The driver and the officer then exchanged thoughts of amazement that I didn’t have a ridiculous amount of trouble steering it off the road. I said it drove like normal. They had both used the word “lucky” but none of us could deny it – the officer said, among other things, “Someone was looking out for you. You should say a prayer of thanks tonight.” (I told I had already started that prayer!) The driver said, “You’re lucky. No, blessed. You’re very blessed. This should have been bad. Real bad.”
The trooper headed off as Craig arrived. I took off with the “Cream Puff,” our white minivan, and Craig climbed in the tow truck. Craig told me later that the guy at the repair place made many of the same comments and when Craig told him I just steered it off the highway and parked on the shoulder, the man said, “No she didn’t. SOMEONE steered it but there’s no way it was her driving that big vehicle full of kids going that fast. Remember all the lane changes? I had been dragging that rod for awhile as evidenced by the hippy angels waving at us.
I have had a stressful year. No, an ongoing stressful 10 years and have occasionally wondered if God had abandoned me (I know, for shame, we’re not suppose to think that but if we’re honest, we sometimes do), or if He was just letting us deal because we needed these “growth opportunities.” Or maybe I’m just not important enough. Today, God has reminded me that, “See! I will not forget you… I have carved you on the palm of my hand…” Isaiah 49:15
And if there’s anyone out there who doesn’t believe in God, you need to look under the front of my van.
Play with your food,
Michelle
People confuse us all the time…
I’m speaking of Angelina Jolie and myself….of course. As I checked out at Wally World, I saw the cover story – “Angelina is pregnant…again!” I just know that friends of mine who go through the check-out lane have to stop a minute and remember which name goes with which face. After all, they’ve said it many a time, “Michelle is pregnant…again!” Alas, this time it is not I that bears glad tidings but that rich, homely chic. One can only hope that her and Brad have read “To Train Up a Child.”
abilities and the ability to love anyone unconditionally.
how to do out-of-the-norm things like scuba diving, pirates & ships, and how to play bass. (She also enjoys memorizing useless facts like New Jersey is the biggest exporter of eggplant. That one won us a Papa John’s pizza so it’s no longer useless.)
at all excited at the possibility that I may be “done,” as it were. I would love to have more. One ofDon’t Take Them For Granted
Craig and I met with friends one night last week and enjoyed some intense fellowship as we shared some pretty hearty laughs but also divulged deep hurt and loss that led to tears at one point. We’re not close friends with these folks but it’s impossible to not feel drawn closer to someone when you, and they, have become vulnerable enough to cry in front of each other and reveal a part of your heart that has been wounded by loss. Our friends’ loss is more recent – about 2 years ago, a young lady who may as well have been their daughter was tragically killed in a car accident (riding in a vehicle one mile to pick up drinks for a party. One mile. No, no alcohol was involved.) Their son and this girl had been friends since they were born fighting and playing like brother and sister into their teen years.

My heart breaks for this young man as I experienced this pain 22 years ago when my brother died at the age of 16.
After we went home from the visit with our friends, I went to bed thinking about the heartrending loss of their young friend and as I drifted off to sleep, it hit me. All of my adult life I have longed for THAT friend. That kindred spirit that loves my kids as my own and I love theirs. That friend that I would take special trips with, buy gifts for, hang out with, argue with and not fear loss of their friendship, and call at least every 3 days. Some of you enjoy this kind of friendship. Thank God and don’t take them for granted. What hit me was that I haven’t been longing for a friend that I have yet to meet; I long for the friend I had and will never have again, my brother, Scott. Every time I’ve had a baby (reminder – 11 times), I have felt SO very sad that Scott wasn’t there to see his newest niece or nephew. Then I revisit those emotions I struggled with when Scott died like: “He was so young!” “We’ve only been close friends for a couple of years; why couldn’t you have waited, Lord?” Then there are new hurts: “Our kids would have been best friends.” “He would have been SO much fun to spend time with.” “Scott might have kept Todd, our younger brother, from becoming estranged from his family.” “Scott would’ve homeschooled, too.”
When you lose someone, many peo
ple offer, or try to offer, encouragement by telling you “time heals all wounds.” I know this won’t be a huge newsflash for those of you who have lost someone close to them, but wounds like that don’t really heal. That’s how it should be. If you don’t hurt and long to see them again, then you weren’t really close. The scars remind you how deep the love is and the loss is. You learn to “deal” with this kind of loss but the hurt doesn’t go away. In fact, as I noted in the previous paragraph, new dimensions are added to the pain that can cause the ache to go even deeper. New “what ifs” make their appearance and there’s not a thing you can do about it. I give it to God and trust that He knows what to do with it but sometimes, I go through bouts of that helplessness. Then you find pictures, as I did today, and you lose them all over again…and again…and again. BUT, I have hope. I don’t know how anyone make’s it through without Christ. To lose my brother is bad enough but to not have the hope that I WILL see him again, I don’t know that I could function. I love him more than when he was here and I believe that’s because I am looking forward to seeing him again! Wow.
Loss also helps us tie heartstrings with others when they experience loss and it’s looking to the needs of others that keeps us from feeling sorry for ourselves. Our new-found friends’ suffering is still fresh and Craig and I have discussed our intent to reach out and encourage them. In the meantime, hug your friends. Tell your spouse you love them. Smile at and hug your children. I know it’s cliché but it’s so very true – you don’t know how much longer you have them.
“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.”
1 Thessalonians 4:12-18
Scott would have loved this: Minister at a funeral service, “Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell – the nut has gone!”
Be blessed and hugs in Him!
Scott loved purple. His fave places to shop were the GAP and the Merry-Go-Round. This is the shirt and tie he was buried in.
What’s not shared is lost,
Michelle










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